http://learningtolovelife.blogIts not easy… It was never easy to think of my life without him, but I am trying to live with our dreams which were meant to see together, trying to see them from his perspective too.
Being youngest of three siblings, I was pampered a lot in my childhood and it continued even after I got married. It was an arranged marriage. Manu, as I used to call him, used to treat me like a child and he continued to pamper me. We did have our share of shortcomings in our personalities but we were complimentary to each other. Numbers were french to me and he was a serious finance person. Being interested in artistic stuff was my forte and he was quite naive in that matter. But as usual, opposites attracted and we developed a strong bond over a period of time. We started our journey together, with unspoken promises, unexpressed feelings and untold respect for each other. He respected my immaturity, I respected his sincerity.
Love was blooming and so was our first child. We were waiting for its arrival so eagerly. I wanted a girl and he wanted a healthy baby. And Shreya came.. She was so tiny, he was scared to hold her and I could feel his sense of fear and responsibility for that tiny creature. His eyes told me thanks and my eyes were teary. We had found our third partner for the long journey we were in. Shreya filled our life with so many feelings. To handle a small child one needs to have patience which I was severely deprived of. Manu and me started to learn to be good parents and Shreya really helped us in that:).
Now we were three to experience the life together. Shreya was almost four years. We had lived almost in four cities by now. Goa was the current city we were living in. That was the time when we decided to have another baby. By this time Manu and I had developed a great compatibility. We had our share of fights as well but respect for each other and feeling of being emotionally secure in each other company was enhanced. Having a child increases the sense of responsibility and commitment. Shreya being quite an independent child was an added help to me. She was a perfect child for two of us.
With Shardul, our son, we achieved the milestone of a complete Indian family:) Unlike Shreya, Shardul was a very quiet child, easy to survive with. In all standards, we were a happy family. Two adorable kids, handsome charming and loving husband and a descent lifestyle, what more I could ask for.
People say that time flies. And it really flew away. Kids had grown up to the children. We were stable in life. Manu had planned a secure future for us. We were not aware then that “ life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.” Life had certainly other plans for us in store.
It was May 2015, Manu was getting a better job opportunity, and we planned to shift overseas. He went there before us to join. We joined him on may 23rd, 2015. We had no idea that we were going there for something we could not even think of.
I can control my destiny, but not my fate. Destiny means there are opportunities to turn right or left, but fate is a one-way street. I believe we all have the choice as to whether we fulfil our destiny, but our fate is sealed.
It was Wednesday the 27th. We had reached there three days before only and were trying to set our new home. After a long day of arranging the home, we were planning for a movie and suddenly he complained of some discomfort. Being in a new country, I did not take any chance and immediately called some friends. They helped me to get him admitted in the Hospital. Next day he showed some sign of improvement and we were happy. But this happiness was very short-lived. In the midnight doctor told me that things had started worsening. It was fateful morning of 29th when he took his last breath. I was numb. In five days my world was changed. I was just standing with my two children in the hospital corridor of an unknown country amidst strangers. I had no sense of any feeling. I was standing there with a feeling that he had cheated me by leaving like this. With no family members around, I had no liberty of crying as I did not want my children to feel helpless. “You need to stand strong Seema” my mind was saying while my heart was urging me to cry. And I was standing like statue. Why me? Why Manu? My questions to myself were knocking at the door of my mind. And I had no answers.
Life was shattered, everything was changed in one moment. I realised that now there was a long journey to travel alone. I looked at him and he was smiling. Probably he wanted to say goodbye with a smile only. Or he might had that confidence while going that I would be able to manage. I wanted to tell him that I wont be not able to manage without him. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to manage without him. Please come back Manu!